Feeling Lost

Marisa Thorne Mental Health uk fashion blogger

This is a very different kinda post for me but I just felt like unloading which is quite a healthy thing to do I hear. This is a personal post and it's taken me an age to write but it just takes me ages to gather my thoughts and feeling about things.(also I moved house...a house with no internet, hence being a bit MIA on social media's) I think it's also important to talk openly and freely about mental health, no matter how small you think the situation is. I'll give you guys some context and start from the beginning: My job. My job situation quite honestly sucks!

 It all started with me being demoted from my job position for no real reason. My employer knew I had worked hard for it all but sadly did not share 'my vision'. I was crushed! When I was told I cried in front of my boss (ugly Kim Kardashian crying might I add!) and was sent home early. A bit dramatic I know, but there is nothing worse than being told a) you're not good enough b) your hard work hasn't paid off and c) what you wanted isn't going to happen. Not in those exact words, but that is 100% what I left feeling like. I also feel like I'll never know the real reason why I was never able to progress, I kept thinking over what did I do wrong, why am I not as good as the other Merchandiser? For my own self esteem, I'm refusing to believe I was actually that bad!

When I got round to telling people they all asked why, and I couldn't give them an answer. 'Well you must've made some serious mistakes?' they said, no more than the other merchandiser- I was working along side somebody who apparently was doing OK and was still able to merchandise. Now I would like to add that I have been at this company since I left uni, I am considered a 'senior member of staff' and am hard working  so when a work colleague asked 'What are they going to do with you now?' I just shrugged and said 'Nothing I just work there now- I don't really have a role'. For a company that prides itself in developing its employees, this was bad! It is incredibly frustrating and BORING to work somewhere where you know they are not going to let you succeed. Not being able to use the skills I've learnt over the years, not being involved in anything I used to like and do daily and still having to work with these people really hurts me. Without having a specific role there, my day to day work life is boring as fuck! With only my imagination and daydreams to keep me company, it's enough to make you crazy... and sad. Which is where I am now.

Marisa Thorne Mental Health uk fashion blogger

I'm not depressed. [Edited: I spoke to my doctor and I am moderately depressed, which is weird to admit. And just shows how bad this job is for me but that's another post] I know this is all circumstantial and if this hadn't happened to me I probably wouldn't feel this way. But I feel my job is making me feel depressed. I have no direction to go in and I'm left feeling lost, hopeless and quite trapped. 'Why don't you just leave?!' my best friend frustratingly asks me all the time, and I hear her, and it's not through lack of trying. I've applied for loads of jobs to no avail. Literally when I apply for jobs... nothing happens. Not great for my poor self esteem :(  But I'm simply not brave enough to quit this job without another one lined up. I'm self reliant and I cant ask family or friends to help support me. Simple as. I envy people who can/do leave jobs easily but I know I cant. I have bills to pay.

Now knowing I cant succeed at this place (and not really wanting to any more for that matter) and not having much luck on the job front, I've had to do something I thought I'd never do and that's go back to college. That's right, your girl is going back to school! Come this September I will studying at the Fashion Retail Academy in London to study Digital Marketing for Fashion and I am nervous about it. I might write about this in a separate post other wise you guys will be all night and it's still early days. But my hours at work will decrease a little to make room for studying. I'm hoping to blog about it when I get into a new routine :)

That's all well and good, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm still working at: BLANK. Side bar: I'm trying not say who this company is because they are bloody massive and I'm just one girl and a laptop. I'm a firm believer of if you're not happy with something, you should change it. So I'm taking another drastic step and going to Therapy. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to be exact.

Marisa Thorne Mental Health uk fashion blogger

Marisa Thorne Mental Health uk fashion blogger

Again, this is very early days and probably deserves it's own separate post but yea.... I am just so sick of being miserable, so took myself to the doctor and I have been referred to a psychologist- which sounds really fucking scary. I'm not really big on talking about my problems as I don't think it helps me personally. I know others who have responded to it really well, but I don't think I would. I need something to action, which is why I have chosen CBT to help. It's still early days and I don't know 100% what to expect from CBT but I'm really hoping it will help me cope while I'm still trapped at this job. I also hope it can help with self- esteem issues I suffer with.

Knowing that there are gonna be some changes coming soon is quite exciting and scary and has really changed my perspective on things regarding my work/ life balance. Like I said before, knowing I'm at a dead end job, my passion and efforts at work are non-existent and I'm putting more time into my hobbies ie blogging. I feel like I've got a proper work-flow going with my blog now and regular posting schedule but I'm always worried it will get stale. Which is where Youtube comes in. I think it's inevitable that bloggers will eventually start a Youtube channel as it seems quite a natural progression. I've made a few videos and I know it'll take a while to find my feet but my aim is to eventually make 1 video a week. It definitely wont start like that but that's the goal! Eventually. 

If you made it to end, thank you so much for reading, as I never 'open up' online or IRL. But I am on the road to recovery! Let me know in the comments if you have had CBT, did it help? And let me know your thoughts on a Youtube channel- it feels like a big step as you're really putting yourself out there, but it's probably fine.I'd love to know what everyone thinks! And again, if anybody wants more info or advice on mental health visit the charity Mind, website (linked here) it's really helpful and remember there are always people to talk to.


Marisa Thorne Mental Health uk fashion blogger

1 comment:

  1. Marisa....I know this would have taken a lot of guts to hit that publish button but honestly, well done my lovely. I can relate on some things (my work situation has left me feeling a bit flat lately like I said on Saturday), and I'm desperately trying to find 'the job' which l'll be happy in (whatever the hell that may be), but tomorrow is another day and you'll ride through any storms 'cause you're pretty awesome :-) someone close to me had some CBT and found it very good, I hope you do too. Good luck for tomorrow, be thinking of you X p.s. Defo go for YouTube